My 85 year-old mother left me a voicemail early one morning, telling me two of her neighbors died the night before. Ending the message with, “I feel numb.”
When I call her back a short while later, she simply explains, “They were here last night. The ambulances came. And they are gone this morning. They weren’t close friends. More like ‘Hello’ in the hallway or elevator friends. But it feels so odd.”
My mother has been through many deaths. Her parents, my father, siblings, close friends and family pets. But living in an assisted living apartment in New York City with lots of elderly people increases the likelihood of facing one’s mortality.
Thinking about death is not something our minds typically gravitate toward. However, everything living does have a lifespan making impermanence an inevitable facet of life.
Awareness of impermanence can bring with it an anxiety that so much of life is fleeting. But it also brings it’s own kind of stability and ability to be with the unpredictability and changeability of life’s situations and the thoughts and feelings that arise with them.
The Natural Order of the World is Impermanence
The natural signs of death that surround us go mostly ignored on a day-to-day basis. Seasons come and go, flowers bloom and fade, insects hatch and get eaten by birds or fish. Our breath, too, follows this pattern with each inspiration and expiration.
Even dreams and aspirations are birthed and some sadly die.
In the practice of mindfulness, this awareness helps you be with and not resist this natural order. Not so you ignore the pain or grief (or any emotion) that might arise with change.
But rather, when awareness of the fragility of life appears, you are more prepared to be with its sister companion, uncertainty.
Observing the Natural World
A great way to objectively observe impermanence is to pay attention to Nature. (It’s a little distance from your own impermanent nature.)
In spring you can see signs of life emerging; bulb shoots showing, fruit trees blossoming, and sounds of birds arriving. At my house the tree frogs are “ribbiting” through the woods and landing in our pond. At the same time, you can notice winter dying with snow melting, winds quieting and birds departing.
Of course Mother Nature is not all ease and grace. The big events of hurricanes, tornados, droughts, and wild fires are testimony to that. Yet Nature has eons of time to rise and recover from the consequences of its destructive path.
Not so much with us humans. We are particularly attached to other people, our health and the certainty of how life should and will unfold.
Being uncertain is uncomfortable.
As creatures who crave comfort, we unconsciously focus on aspects of life that appear stable, rather than bring our attention to life’s constantly changing dynamic.
In health care, we are not much different. We hold onto our beliefs that our medicines, diagnostic tests and our treatment plans provide the scaffolding with which to move throughout our days. And this does have its benefits.
But the reality is there is no structure we put in place that can’t be dismantled, at least temporarily, by a sudden catastrophic change in health, relationship or life.
Imagine the uncertainty our patients and clients experience, not knowing what to expect next, who will step through the door, or what the test results will show.
I believe that much of the “uncharacteristic”, “unruly”, “uncivilized”, “undesirable” behaviors we see in the people we work with (patients, family, colleagues and bosses) arise from the scaffolding having a major hidden fracture line.
Impermanence.
Being with the Paradox
Becoming friendlier with the idea of impermanence can be a great help when you work with people going through uncertain times in their lives.
When you meet with someone who is anxious, worried, or asking many questions, remember impermanence and uncertainty may be the source and that they seek assurance that there is something they can hold on to.
Of course when someone needs a lifeline, this is probably not the best time to tell them all about the impermanence of life.
But with your awareness of this, pause with them. Perhaps in silence or with words acknowledge and appreciate the vulnerability and uncertainty they are experiencing.
And with your solid comfort, you become the scaffolding they are searching for.
You become more skillful anticipating the certainty of uncertainty and have more ease responding to unexpected derailments when you begin to notice all that is impermanent around you. That’s the paradox.
In the next few days, notice all that is impermanent in your sphere of life and work. The clouds against the sky, a leaf falling from a tree, a conversation beginning and ending, milk going sour, a patient getting worse or getting better, clients and friends moving on.
Befriend these moments with a gentle nod hello.
I hear background conversations on the call with my mom. She tells me she is in her lobby coffee shop getting coffee and a bagel.
“I have to go, baby. I’m heading up to play bridge.”
I think about the nature of life in this conversation. In a short space of time, my mom passed through numbness, getting a cup of coffee to playing bridge with three of her cronies.
And in this moment from three thousand miles away, I’m greatly relieved by some luck of the day’s draw, my mom won’t be sitting this hand out.
What are your thoughts and experiences with impermanence and uncertainty at work and in life? Please share entering your comment below. I’d love to dialogue.
Much love to you and to all you love, that’s present in the here and now.
Jackie
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