As a nurse, a mom, an auntie and as a friend, I’ve probably been asked or offered to hold someone’s hand, thousands of times. I imagine you have, too.

Some moments stand out for me:

Sitting at the bedside of an elderly dying woman with her older sister in the ICU; the 3 of us held hands making a complete circle, until the younger sister let go.

Another time, I cradled and hummed to my two-year-old grandson in the operating room while the nurse anesthetist prepped him for surgery; his little fingers wrapped around my thumb, until he was fully sedated and breathing sweetly.

And once, when I thought my hand would fall off from the death grip of a woman terrified of injections.

I always imagined (and hoped) it made a difference.

Recently, I caught this TedX talk, Why We Hold Hands, with Clinical Psychologist Dr. James Coan. In Coan’s research, he tests the hand-holding effect in couples who have a loving and trusting relationship compared with couples who do not.

While in a fMRI machine, he puts them through a series of tests that includes a painful stimuli. Those holding the hands of a trusted loved one, perceived less pain.

Good to know.

Nice to Know versus Need to Know

This research took me back to something my Nurse Fellowship mentor at the Department of Pain Medicine in Palliative Care (Beth Israel Medical Center in New York City)  said to me years ago. “You know what, Jackie? The holistic perspective and mindfulness practices you bring, I believe are moving from nice to know to need to know.”

That was a thought-provoking moment for me, especially because she was such a formidable and rigorous researcher and clinician. This shift in her awareness represented, perhaps, that the distinction and separation of the hard sciences, the “need to know” category of nursing practice from the “nice to know” softer, artful, aspects of my care, was lifting.

Yet, why even the distinction and subsequent elevation of science over art?

Instead, perhaps, we want to distinguish between mechanistic care, that which relies on the technology in healthcare and that which relies on the humanity in healthcare. Both have science to back them up and both are in service to health and healing.

Time

Think back to an average day you have at work or in your home life. Compare how much time you spend (and those of us in healthcare don’t really like to think about this) in mechanistic touch and clinical touch compared with the time you spend in caring touch.

Mechanistic and clinical touch means hands on the computer keyboard or searching for information, doing a procedure, being on the phone, preparing and adjusting medications compared with how much time you have for human caring touch.

Given the context of a busy healthcare environment, the simple act of holding someone’s hand through a painful procedure, difficult emotional time or fearful anticipation of a diagnosis, is not always easy to come by.

And imagine there’s a day when you don’t feel your best, or a colleague or family member was rude to you, or you’re stressed because someone on your team called out sick. If this is on your mind, how does your hand-holding come across to the person? Is it as neuroprotective?

It’s a question I have.

In social psychologist Dacher Keltner’s article and research on touch, he describes setting up a barrier so participants were blinded to one another. One person put his/her arm through the barrier and the other provided a one second touch “sample” of a large variety of emotions.

Given the number of emotions being considered, the odds of guessing the right emotion by chance were about eight percent. But remarkably, participants guessed compassion correctly nearly 60 percent of the time. Gratitude, anger, love, fear—they got those right more than 50 percent of the time as well. (The Greater Good)

Grab Hold of the Opportunity

Next time you do have the opportunity to hold someone’s hand who is scared, or worried or in pain, pause and check in with your thinking. Notice if you are worried about time and if you are, rest easy knowing that only a few seconds can convey you are present and compassionate. Then mindfully refocus on your heart and how you know your caring touch could be a moment that relieves their suffering.

If you aren’t available to hold someone’s hand during a scary or painful procedure, and you know there is a loved and trusted family or friend nearby, let them know how helpful they can be.

While you and I didn’t really need the fMRI to tell us that people feel better when we hold their hands, it’s nice to know the emerging science behind it.

What for you in the last few years has become “need to know” versus “nice to know” when it comes to how you practice? And what were some of your memorable hand-holding moments?

Take a moment now to go to the comments below and share your thoughts and experiences with others.

Much love

Jackie

Want more from Leading Edge Nursing?

Refill Your Cup eBook

Check out my new eBook Refill Your Cup with 3 simple, yet powerful practices that research shows can be used to energize yourself at work. This way, when someone asks you to hold their hand, your hand-holding comes from a full cup.

Click here for your free copy.

Individual Coaching

> Burst Coaching

This new format of coaching is designed for you to get a jumpstart on a project or venture you’ve been putting off or feeling stuck with. In a short amount of time you’ll break through those stumbling blocks, create a specific plan, and take valuable steps toward bringing your goal into fruition. Click here to read about Burst Coaching.

If you have any questions about Burst Coaching, please email me. We can set up a time for a conversation and see if this is a good fit for you.

Room to Breathe: Rewiring for Ease

My 7-Week Mindfulness Course for Health Professionals will be coming out in a new format. I can’t give you the details yet, but keep your eye out for the upcoming exciting announcements.

Jackie